The other day a reader wrote to comment on her own experience of military sexual trauma:
"From my sorry experience, military sexual assault is a predatory crime of opportunity. ... Victims are quite disposable... few perps are ever tried in court. Yet the victim gets quickly processed out as a defective nuisance. You suddenly become jobless & homeless for daring to report, no matter how good your daily job performance. The victim is subhuman and utterly alone and reviled, while the predator gets a promotion. This is probably why military rape creates more PTSD cases percentage-wise than does combat. In combat at least you are scooped up into the bosom of your band of brothers."
"A couple of military stats," she continues: "Sexual assault is more likely in a command that encourages/allows harassing/misogynist behavior," and "Fifty percent of perps have a prior history of violence upon entering the military -again OPPORTUNITY to observe and select their prey in close confines." Yikes. True? Not true? Either way, it's a hideous experience for the unwilling victim.
That brought to mind some healing words of Britta Reque-Dragicevic, but first, the bracing truth: "Military sexual trauma is a crime, not a misfortune of war," writes Reque-Dragicevic in her book, Close to Home: A Soldier's Guide to Returning from War. The e-book is available here for the very affordable price of $10. Buy it :-) Because it's a download, you can have it within minutes.The following is Reque-Dragicevic's thoughts on sexual trauma in war.
As with the rest of her very worthwhile book, they are soothing, sane and reasonable, and will comfort the afflicted. This book should be a must for veterans and their families; and at its very reasonable price would also make a thoughtful "Welcome Home, Veteran!" gift for veterans in your life or in your community. She writes:
An increasingly common trauma far less talked [than PTSD] about is military sexual trauma—which is experiencing sexual assault or harassment while you are in the military. This is not just a women’s problem. In fact, the VA reports that fifty-five percent of women and thirty-eight percent of men in the military have experienced military sexual harassment. While military sexual trauma is more common in women, over half of all veterans with military sexual trauma are men.
War has historically seen an increase in sexual assault and rape incidents for both military and war-zone populations. It’s become more publicly recognized in war-zone civilian populations (mass gang rapes were widely reported during the Bosnian war and rape has traditionally been a way to violate an enemy population), but rarely do we hear about sexual assault among our own soldiers.
If you have experienced a sexual violation during war that has left you ‘just not feeling the same’ since, please know that you are not alone. Most victims of military sexual trauma will never report it. Whether or not you call it rape doesn’t matter. What happened to you wasn’t right and it wasn’t your fault; and no, you couldn’t have prevented or stopped it. Rape is always an issue of power, not sex. Unfortunately, rape in war happens too often as people deal with overwhelming feelings of god-like power, lowered inhibitions, excessive anger, lack of usual sexual release and the devaluation of human life—sexual force is often used with little outward consequence to the perpetrator. But the consequences to the victim are life-changing.
If this has happened to you, you may develop PTSD from this alone, but be too embarrassed or humiliated to tell anyone why. This may be the hardest part of your war experience to deal with and one that strangles you in secrecy, shame, and embarrassment. After all, with fellow survivors coming back with missing limbs and mental shock, how can having been sexually violated compare to that? No one would believe you, would they? What would loved ones think? Soldiers are supposed to be tough; how could you ever admit that you weren’t strong enough to keep someone from forcing sex on you? Yet, for you, what happened has become your war. A war that no one will ever know anything about.
Please stop. Stop and take a deep breath. Forget the fact that it was a war environment for a moment and realize that no matter where it happens, when, or to whom, being sexually violated always leaves a person feeling powerless, doubtful of themselves, uncertain, unable to believe it really happened, and feeling very, very small inside. Why? Because sexual assault is about taking away your power. Sex is our most intimate and most powerful interaction with another human being. And when someone overpowers us physically and enters our bodies without our consent, we are deeply ashamed and shocked at how powerless we were.
Sexual violence injures the soul. The shame, humiliation, loss of control, and shaken self-esteem affect both men and women even though each gender experiences them differently because of what we are conditioned to believe about our masculine or feminine roles in life.
Sexual violation impacts our self-image, sexuality, and our future, safe sexual experiences. The overwhelming sense of vulnerability and shame can lead to suicidal thoughts and actions.
For war survivors who have been violated by one of their own, the confusion and uncertainty, not to mention potential repercussions to your military career or even survival, lead most victims to never tell anyone. Keeping your mouth shut may be the only way to survive and get back home. But once you are home, please realize that if this has happened to you, you have been affected and it’s not just going to go away. It takes feeling safe to get yourself to the point where you can admit to someone that it happened. And for a lot of people, finding someone safe seems almost impossible.
Even if you tell no one else in your life, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit them online for an anonymous chat at www.rainn.org. You can remain anonymous, and at least you will be able to talk with someone who deals with this trauma every day and can start to give you the resources you need to find healing. The VA also reports that it has counselors at every hospital trained to assist veterans with this issue. You can also visit www.ncptsd.va.gov, search for “military sexual trauma”—and a number of fact sheets will come up where you can learn additional information.
Remember, what happened to you was a crime, not just a misfortune of war. The person who assaulted you did not have the right to do this to you under any circumstances.
One of the hardest parts about having been sexually traumatized can be sharing that information with a spouse or partner. It’s normal to worry about how they will accept you once they know what has happened and to wonder how it will impact your intimate life together. Even though this trauma may loom large before your eyes, your partner loves you for who you are—not just your ability to have sex. You may find far more love and acceptance than you imagine. You are still attractive, beautiful, desirable, virile, and your partner still longs to experience sexual intimacy with you. You may struggle with feeling that you are not worth loving which is one of the ways sexual violation diminishes your own sense of power. But feelings are not facts. You are a human being worth being loved, enjoyed, and you deserve to experience sexual intimacy in a safe and caring relationship.
Partners of sexual assault survivors may feel a sense of rage, powerlessness, guilt for not having been able to protect your loved one, and a natural reaction to want to get even with the person who has hurt the person you love. Counseling individually and as a couple can be a safe place to express what you are feeling. You can also call the Sexual Assault Hotline—it’s not just for survivors; they can assist family and friends.
Remember, as long as you don’t tell your partner what happened, he or she will have no way of knowing what you are feeling, worried about, remembering, or associating with your current sex life. You may have no desire to have sex because of the trauma, but how will your partner know that? If you don’t share, he or she may assume that they are no longer desirable and that you’ve lost interest. They may easily blame themselves or you. Don’t lose your relationship because you are too ashamed to share what happened. Seek a counselor who can help you decide how to share this information. Don’t shut out what may be the only true source of love and support in your life. Loving partners can be incredibly patient when it comes to sex and trauma, but you have to give them the chance to understand what you are going through.
If you have been sexually traumatized, it may seem that that experience now defines who you are. Shame, guilt, self-blame, denial, rage, depression, lack of self-worth, fear of being intimate again, aversion to being touched or approached without warning, doubts about whether or not you are still desirable, or if having been raped effects your sexual orientation (it doesn’t) are all normal reactions. Just remember the trauma is real and intimate, but you are not defined by what has happened to you. You are a whole person who has experienced vulnerability and powerlessness; but that experience did not change who you really are: still strong, still powerful, still in control and still able to move toward healing. Deciding to move toward healing may be the only justice you ever get for what happened. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and your children to make sure that this trauma does not take you away from them any more than it already has.
Talk to a counselor. Sexual trauma is humiliating, but counselors deal with it everyday. Nothing bad will happen to you by just talking. It doesn’t mean you have to take legal action or that everyone will find out. You are not alone. Don’t let the one who took your power from you keep it.
You deserve a lifetime of being sexually loved and enjoyed.
Reprinted with permission from Close to Home: A Soldier's Guide to Returning from War, by Britta Reque-Dragicevic. The e-book is available here for the very affordable price of $10. Buy it :-)
