Healthy sexuality is probably one of the hardest life themes to come to a successful resolution about, whether for combat veterans or really, anyone else as well. Part of the problem is, of course, from childhood on we've received -- been bombarded, really -- with conflicting messages about whether sex is deeply good or troublingly bad. After all, there's healthy sexuality and refreshingly bonding intimacy as the result of a connected relationship between two people, and then there are almost as many destructive opportunities as there are people and relationships themselves, from manipulation and selfishness to heavier topics like abuse and rape. Here to shed some light on the subject is Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., the author of several best-selling self-help books. In the passage below, he delineates the difference between the messages we get about sexuality and the actual reality:
"Ideally, we should teach
children that sexual feelings are fine. They are a natural part of life, a deep
source of energy and potential joy. We
should teach them to be smart, though, about the expression of those feelings. We would teach them the advantages and
disadvantages of the various aspects of sexual expression: masturbation,
intercourse, flirting, and so forth. We
should assist them in learning to open up to the feelings while finding means of expression that have
positive consequences for all concerned.
Too often the elders confuse feelings with
expression. We are taught that the
feelings themselves are somehow wrong.
This belief causes a logjam inside us.
We have a deep sense that sexual feelings are good, overlaid by a belief
that they are bad. This distortion
causes us then to express our feelings in distorted ways.
To complicate matters, we
also have a stack of decisions about sexuality based on old unpleasant
events. I remember getting caught by my
mother in the act of looking at some pictures of naked women. Several of my friends and I were studying
these pictures, bought in the locker room from an eighth-grade entrepreneur,
when my mother showed up unexpectedly. I
remember the hot feeling of shame that swept over me when I saw my mother’s
reaction of anger and disgust. I saw in
that moment that my sexuality was something she did not want to acknowledge,
that somehow it made her uncomfortable.
In fact, I never recall her or anybody in my family saying a word about sexuality
in any way during my growing up. In a
way I feel grateful, because at least I did not get a lot of distorted
information that I later had to unlearn, but I feel wistful about not learning
things about my sexuality that would have helped me feel more comfortable with
myself.
Some of us have had much more
unpleasant experiences with regard to sex than the mild event I just
described. We have witnessed ugly
scenes, been forced to have sex against our will, been seduced into doing
things that we would not have done had we had our wits about us. WE cannot
change events, but we can always look for any decisions about ourselves or life
that we made at the time. By looking at
old decisions made in the heat of unpleasant experiences, we can break the grip
the past has on us.
Beyond the traumas and the negative messages about sex
is the fact that we often do not get any constructive information about it. We are not
usually blessed with a guardian angel who can come along when we need it and
say, “Sexual feelings are good. Let yourself feel them deeply. Surrender to them. Express them in ways that will bring
happiness to all concerned.” Adult
life is a process of becoming a guardian angel to ourselves. We have to learn how to nurture ourselves and
how to gather the kind of people around us who can nurture us in the ways that
we like.
We can begin by loving
ourselves for all the reasons we do not love our sexuality, then going on
through to open up in love and acceptance for those deeply positive sexual
feelings inside. By learning how to love sexuality, we can learn more about how to love
life itself, for sexuality is but one expression of a deeper life energy which resides
in us all.”
-- Source: Learning
to Love Yourself: A Guide to Becoming Centered, by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.
