On the topic of communicating with your vet, the "big three" to me are all women: Patience Mason, Aphrodite Matsakis, and Kathie Costos. I remember something wonderful and gracious that longtime veteran psychiatrist and advocate Jonathan Shay, M.D., Ph.D. wrote about several of them, that if everyone involved with combat veterans had read their books and absorbed their wisdom, there'd be nothing for him to do.
We've also written recently about how hard it is sometimes for families to hear about what veterans have gone through; and yet, how important also it is to ask and genuinely care enough to listen.
Here's an item from Patience Mason's classic, "Recovering from the War," about how to talk with -- and listen to -- your vet:
"Ray Scurfield said, "The vet's difficulties in sharing about his war experiences are at least partly due to the (mistaken) belief that 'only another vet can really understand what I'm going through.'
However, if you have experienced profound rage, grief or loss, fear, numbing, horror, shock, violence, tragedy, betrayal, etc., then you do have an experience base from which some understanding is possible. The vet has probably had his war experience rejected and avoided by others.
Don't let him do the same to you and your valid life experience. Point that out to him if it's happening. But don't compare. Saying something like 'Maybe I can understand some of it. I notice you get so angry, and when my __________ [fill in the blank], I just felt like killing everyone, the police, my roommates, everyone.' There's a big difference between this and "I got over being almost raped. Why can't you get over Vietnam?"
She also writes, and this is very significant, that Ray Scurfield also advised, "You must ask yourself, 'Do you really want to know some of the dark secrets that trouble this vet so -- can you really handle them if they are shared with you?" This is a heavy question and one that must be considered."
True. Wanting to listen to someone's stories and "be there" for him or her is very significant and worthwhile. After all, "first duty of love is to listen." But be aware that you need to also be prepared for anything they may say, and count the cost in advance about how that's going to affect you to hear. You may want to line up a therapist or some support of your own. Once spoken, those words can't be taken back, and you may end up with some vicarious trauma of your own from the telling. Which isn't necessarily a reason not to engage; just a reason to be wise in advance and be sure that you also have support and awareness about what you're possibly getting into by asking to hear...
As someone who's heard a lot of stories from combat veterans, I would have to say, being real about what I can and can't absorb, and at what pace, has also proved helpful. It communicates respect but also wisdom about not overwhelming the listener. As one veteran said, "telling me how to tell you was great because you weren't rejecting me, you were expressing how you could hear." Thank you.
Editor's note: For a link to Patience Mason's book, Recovering from the War, click here. For more on communication skills, about which we write as often as we can, click here.
