Healing Combat Trauma

Recent Women Vets with PTSD Use Mental Health Services Differently, Not Enough -- Study Says

According to a recent item published by Boston University's School of Public Health, younger women combat veterans with PTSD under-utilize specialized mental health treatment programs provided by the VA. Just why this is the case hasn't been determined yet, but the study highlights some interesting results  -- and in any case it's progress that the needs of this special population (women combat veterans) are being studied. From the press release:

"Younger women veterans with substance abuse problems, post-traumatic stress disorder and other mental health diagnoses were significantly less likely to utilize specialized Veterans Health Administration (VHA) mental health services in 1999, after the first Gulf War, than their male counterparts, a study led by BUSPH researchers has found.

Veterans of recent conflicts have been shown to have significant mental health needs," says the study, published in the journal Women's Health Issues. "Examining the effects of gender on disease burden and health care utilization in this growing group of veterans is important."

The study found that younger women (under 35) were significantly less likely to use mental health services in comparison to men. However, middle-aged and older women were more likely to use the services than men."

In terms of specialty mental health services, women veterans under the age of 55 were significantly less likely to use PTSD or substance abuse services. The authors speculated that women with substance abuse problems "may be averse to using male-dominated therapeutic groups," may seek treatment in general medical settings or may not seek treatment at all, as described in prior literature on women and substance abuse.

If underutilization of [substance abuse] services continues in newer women veterans, a significant percentage...may remain untreated," the authors cautioned.

The researchers said the underutilization of specialized PTSD services by younger women could be due, in part, to the fact that a significant proportion of PTSD in female veterans is associated with a history of military sexual abuse: "Women with a history of military sexual trauma may not feel comfortable either in mixed-gender groups or using services in which treatment is oriented primarily toward combat-related PTSD.

Overall, a higher percentage of women veterans than men utilized outpatient mental health services, other than the specialized PTSD and substance abuse programs. The study also found that women veterans who used VHA services had a higher prevalence of mood/anxiety disorders and bipolar or psychotic disorders than their male counterparts.

The researchers said that, if the utilization trends found in the study persist, an increasing number of women veterans with significant mental illness and comorbidity could be expected to rely on the VHA for care.

They said their findings highlight the complexity involved in crafting mental health services for the new wave of women veterans."Further research is warranted as to how to address the complex needs for specialty mental health services in this newly emerging group of veterans," they said.

They noted that examining gender differences alone, without taking age, diagnosis and other factors into account, may not provide an adequate picture of women veterans' mental health service needs."

Source: "The Insider," from Boston University's School of Public Health, June 29, 2009. Submitted by Lisa Chedekel.  Link is here.

More Numbers to Remember: 3 Then, 7 Now

A newspaper article reports today, "In the Vietnam war, for every soldier killed, three came home wounded. In Iraq, for every soldier killed, seven come home wounded." Those are some substantial numbers...and I wonder if they're even accounting for PTSD in them, which is often considered an "invisible wound," and one which shows up usually after the fact.  The numbers could be even that much higher...

Roughly 5,000 killed to date -- 35,000 wounded (by that estimate) -- and for every veteran, another 50 people who he or she affects (see Fred Gusman comment about that, which we blogged about earlier -- linked here).  If we add the number killed and the number wounded together, then multiply the 50 each veteran affects directly in his or her life, that's 2 million Americans affected by veterans' sacrifices.

Feel Like Just a Number / War's Psychic Toll

The New York Times has a good op-ed piece today by Bob Herbert, entitled "War's Psychic Toll," linked here.

One point he makes, in the wake of the shooting deaths at Camp Liberty, is that:

"The fallout from the psychic stress of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan has been vast, but there was no reason for its destructive effects to have surprised anyone. There was plenty of evidence that this would be an enormous problem. Speaking of Iraq back in 2004, Dr. Stephen C. Joseph, who had been an assistant secretary of defense during the Clinton administration, said, “I have a very strong sense that the mental health consequences are going to be the medical story of this war.”

He also further clarifies a point that a number of people have been making over the last several years, which is that an all-volunteer military concentrates the inevitable "psychic toll" of warfare into too few combatants on our side.  Herbert writes:

"Because we have chosen not to share the sacrifices of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the terrible burden of these conflicts is being shouldered by an obscenely small portion of the population. Since this warrior class is so small, the same troops have to be sent into the war zones for tour after harrowing tour.

As the tours mount up, so do the mental health problems. Combat is crazy-making to start with. Multiple tours are recipes for complete meltdowns."

We've already seen, in previous blog posts, how more combat => more opportunities for PTSD. The relationship is direct.

At some point, with the same people serving multiple deployments, being injured becomes a numbers game.  And increasingly servicemembers who keep going back, if they've managed to avert injury so far, become concerned that their luck can't hold out forever.

A Recon Marine, with multiple deployments under his belt -- some would say, the toughest of the tough -- headed back to Afghanistan on Monday.  "I'm scared," he told his friends and family, unashamedly.  War is a dangerous game, and multiple deployments wreaks havoc on those who go, and those who stay behind and wait.

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In the old Bob Seger song about working on an assembly line, "Feel like just a number," he sang, "I feel like just another / Spoke in a great big wheel / Like a tiny blade of grass / In a great big field."  Seger insists he's gonna "cruise out of this city / Head down to the sea / Gonna shout out at the ocean / Hey its me!" "I feel like a stranger / A stranger in this land," he sings.  "I feel like a number / But I'm not a number / I'm not a number -- Dammit, I'm a man! / I said, I'm a man."

I recall a conversation with another Marine, who between tours of Vietnam, had a premonition that he wouldn't survive his second tour.  What worried him even more than the dream was that everyone he knew who'd had a dream like that, and shared it with his buddies, subsequently was killed.  This Marine talked it over with his dad, a heavily-decorated Army officer, who told him, in sort, to buck it up and suck it up and go back -- because if he didn't, he'd be running from every other experience like this in his life.  Well, the premonition had a lot of weight to it -- he was shot multiple times and almost died, and took years to recover from his injuries. So we know that the Recon Marine in today's story, headed back to Afghanistan, does have something to be worried about -- even if he hasn't had a dream like this.

Ultimately, whether he and servicemembers like him think of themselves as "just a number" in the larger war machine or not, their more pressing concern, with multiple deployments in harm's way, is whether this time their number is going to be up.  And let's hope it won't be.  But of course, for society at large -- who stays behind -- the broader public health worry is that even if these warriors come home relatively "unscathed" -- in body, more likely than in mind -- their struggle with dealing with the after-effects of combat will just have begun.

Editor's note: To listen to the Bob Seger song mentioned above, on YouTube, click here.

Puget Sound Veterans Hospital Tries Meditation for PTSD

The Seattle Times reports in today's paper that a veterans hospital in the Seattle area is trying a version of mindfulness meditation for combat veterans with PTSD.  The article is called, "Seattle hospital teaches meditation to troubled vets," by Michelle Ma.  The eight-week course, which has been held for a year, has proved to be of some value to veterans, and current plans are to study the effects more in-depth. 

The article in the Seattle Times is linked here.

For links to other posts we've done about mind-body medicine, including meditation, and PTSD, click here.

PTSD, Suicide and the Primary Importance of ... Sleep

There's a great article in today's San Antonio Express-News by Sig Christenson, called "War Lingers, GI Suicides Rise."  (The article is linked here.)

It quotes my favorite, retired Veterans Affairs psychiatrist, Jonathan Shay, M.D., Ph.D., and it quotes him on, among other things, the absolute primary importance of SLEEP, which we've talked about many times on the blog before. (Click here for a link to those posts, many quoting Shay himself.)

Quoting Christenson's article, from today:

"The armed services' high operational tempo for the past decade definitely is part of the problem, said (Jonathan) Shay (M.D., Ph.D.). Though alcohol abuse “is a major risk factor,” he said the military's rapid training and deployment cycles short-change troops on the one critical ingredient to good physical and mental health: sleep.

“I've been agitating for years the importance of getting truly realistic policy on sleep,” Shay said. “This is a slow slog because it is so contrary to the macho culture and so contrary to the self-sacrificial culture, which sees self-care like sleep as self-indulgence.”

Let's recap some absolute basics about sleep:

• It's absolutely necessary for mind and body healing, and down regulation of bodily systems;
• It's vital for decision-making and mental health. Studies on drivers who operate on lack of sleep of sleep show that it impairs functioning to the level of alcohol intoxification.
• It's hard to get in a war zone, for any number of reasons: from the operations that go on for days and nights at a time, to the noises of combat, etc.;
• It's hard to get after combat, thanks to nightmares, hypervigilance and arousal, and often the desire to avoid sleep (which brings on intrusive memories, nightmares, night sweats, and the like);
• Chronic lack of sleep impairs mental, physical and emotional health;
• And yet without adequate, nightly sleep -- how is healing going to take place?

There's a great story told about beloved Marine veteran, Travis Twiggs, who we've written about in other contexts.  Apparently his nickname was "War Pig," and it was given to him during a tour of duty at Guantánamo Bay, where after being up for umpteen hours straight, and finally getting a break, he had fallen into such a heavy sleep that he couldn't be roused, and a passing a general had stuck over his sleeping form a sign that said, “Here Lies the Mighty War Pig.”

I know another hardcore combat veteran and former Marine who came with me once to a program that was designed to help people learn how to sleep better.  He bitched and moaned while we were there, quite a bit, about how this wasn't really suited to combat veterans like himself, but whatever -- he persevered, and tried what they had to offer.  The next day, after he flew home, I worried about him because I hadn't heard how he was doing. A day later, he called me back. "I came home and slept for 31 hours straight," he said.  "I hadn't been able to sleep more than two hours at a time since before I left for Vietnam." So my guess is that the method was of some help to him ;-) But imagine not sleeping for more than two hours at a time?  How well would you be able to heal?

Editor's note: Read the rest of the articles we've included about sleep, from previous posts, linked here.

Travis Twiggs: The Un-Happy One Year Anniversary of Combat PTSD's Perhaps Most Visible Death

Just a brief note to mention, it was one year ago today that Travis Twiggs passed from this earth, by his own hand, the veritable poster boy of combat-based PTSD.  It also marks his brother Willard's passing, who left this earth with Travis, apparently by Travis' hand.  It's an absolute tragedy, for any number of reasons -- from the family members and friends the Twiggs brothers leave behind -- to the fact that Travis, personally, was making an impact as a Marine who broke the code of silence, so to speak, and spoke openly about his PTSD.  Twiggs wrote about his ordeal in the January, 2008 issue of the Marine Corps Gazette, in an article that has been widely circulated, and is still available on the Web.

Travis Twiggs' suffering was something that really stood out to me -- perhaps because of his very willingness to speak openly about his struggles, something Marines.Just.Don't.Do.  We actually broke the news of his death on this blog, before the mainstream media had reported on it -- and in fact, the early reports were wrong on the facts but widely repeated, making the damage that much more painful.  (He and his brother were reputed to be hardened criminals, for example, which they were not, although they had been -- at the last -- involved in a carjacking, as part of their initially ill-fated but ultimately successful desire to end their lives.  In fact, Twiggs was a much-decorated Marine with multiple combat tours behind him, who had recently met the president, and whose Marines (and his family) deeply loved him.  His brother, Willard, was well-loved as well.  A year later, not a day goes by that people don't find this site out of a search they're doing for Travis or Willard; and in the days after their death, searches for Willard were almost as popular as those for Travis, though Willard was obviously shyer and less well known. And these tragedies were not the only ones the Twiggs family suffered in a very short amount of time: their beloved grandmother also passed away within days of the Twiggs' brothers' deaths. Hard, hard times for the Twiggs' family, and for all those who loved Travis and Willard.

It's hard to explain my own involvement in this saga except to say, I had a bad feeling about how Travis was really doing, without even knowing him, just based on reading what he wrote, and how it didn't seem to add up.  So the month before, without realizing he'd already been confined to an inpatient PTSD program at Bethesda Naval Hospital, and was therefore unable to answer, I repeatedly tried to get ahold of him and/or the Marine Corps Gazette, which had published his somewhat optimistic article months before.  When neither would reply, I started to really worry that something was amiss.  Then when the first news reports came out of the National Park Service about the "armed, tattooed and dangerous" Twiggs brothers, involved in a carjacking, I just knew it had to be Travis, and that things had somehow gone terribly wrong. Hoping to offset the "bad news" (and mistaken news" about who Twiggs really was -- not a lifelong criminal, but a decorated Marine, who everyone loved, who'd struggled mightily with PTSD -- I went out on a limb, and wrote, as I realized he was dying, what became a "PTSD obituary" to this at the time unknown Marine, who'd undoubtedly died from the consequences of his uncured, but not untreated PTSD.

In the days that followed, as I waited for any national attention to be focused on his case -- none was -- the blog here received heavy, heavy traffic, as those who loved Travis and his brother came to essentially pay their respects, much as I had tried to myself, and also tried to come to terms with the brothers' passing.  Over time, various reporters kicked into gear and started covering the Twiggs' story in lengthy pieces. (I had to put the "use with attribution" notice up on this blog when one reporter spent, no joke, 40 hours mining this site, without acknowledging where he got his information.  Ugh.) Richard Ruelas wrote about the saga for the Arizona Republic (the brothers had died in Arizona), Bill Finnegan's at the New Yorker magazine, and there was a two-part series in the New Orleans-based Times Picayune. CNN, to its discredit, never once mentioned the brothers' passing.  I think once they missed the initial window, it was too embarrassing to catch up, but to this day, they never have, whereas pretty much everyone else has had something to say about it -- or them.

While many, many aspects of being the one to break this story -- on a blog, not in a newspaper or a wire service -- have been exceedingly frustrating, I'll spare you my angst on that one.  The blessings have also been there -- getting to "meet" online and sometimes in person, some of the key players in the brothers' lives, and have them express their appreciation for what I did to help to humanize their brothers, while the rest of the print world was essentially doing the opposite (at least initially). I'm still concerned for how Travis' wife, now his widow, Kellee, to whom the news of Travis' whereabouts and obviously his death, came about as a shock, as well as for the Twiggs' parents, whose loss of two sons at once is just incalculable.

In the New Age-y world, people do talk about being careful about what your intention is, and how your intention will carry the day.  Without going into what "intention" means, overmuch, it can be simplified to say, whatever the vision is of an outcome, that you carry in your heart, or that you express to the world.  In this case, it was very, very clear.  Back exactly a year ago today, as Travis Twiggs and his brother were in their last moments, and time was running out, I wanted the world to NEVER FORGET who Travis Twiggs was, and what the legacy of unresolved PTSD looks like.  If ever there were a poster child for PTSD, it was Travis Twiggs.  He took the first step when he told the world his secret in that powerful, much-read article in the Marine Corps Gazette, when he broke the silence for his Marines, and the rest of OEF/OIF veterans.  What I held in my heart that day -- despite the professional disappointments that may have followed -- was that when people thought of PTSD, they would think of Travis Twiggs.  And given that his legacy is still very much alive, one year later, I do believe that intention accomplished exactly what it was supposed to.

As Twiggs himself said, he was willing to come forward and talk about what he went through, because he wanted no other soldier, sailor, airman or Marine to suffer like he had -- in silence.  With his death, and that of his brother, unfortunately for the much-beloved Twiggs brothers, but mercifully for the rest of us -- it's a conversation we will all keep having.  RIP, Travis and Willard Twiggs. You are not forgotten.

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Editor's note: The original blog entries about Travis Twiggs from a year ago are: "One Marine Reflects on His Battle with PTSD," linked here (before his death); "PTSD -- "The War Within" -- Claims Another Victim," linked here; "RIP Travis N. Twiggs, USMC PTSD Sufferer," linked here; "The Ballad of Travis Twiggs," linked here; "Travis Twiggs' Suicide - Only Questions Remain," linked here; "The PTSD Obituary for Travis Twiggs," linked here; "Bleeding Green with PTSD," linked here; "Twiggs' Wife: 'The PTSD Drove Him Crazy'," linked here; "The Tragic Last Days of Travis 'T-Bo' Twiggs," linked here; "Travis Twiggs' Widow, Kellee, Puts a Human Face on the Suffering of PTSD," linked here;and, finally, "SSgt. Travis Twiggs - Well-Loved U.S. Marine and Hurting PTSD Hero - the Update," linked here.

Violence at Camp Liberty: Shocked, Maybe, but Not Surprised

 Allow a little venting of spleen here: The violence at Camp Liberty today in Iraq, where an American active duty servicemember allegedly opened fire on others at the stress clinic, a location where other servicemembers go for counseling, killing 5 at 2:00 p.m. local time -- if we're shocked that this happened, that's okay; but seriously, America-- why are we still "surprised"?!

Here's 10 reasons NOT to be surprised, though feel free to continue to be shocked:

1.    Tours are too long, putting considerable and unprecedented strain on the all-volunteer military. The AP reports, "The U.S. military is coping with a growing number of stress cases among soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan - many of whom are on their third or fourth combat tours. Some studies suggest that about 15 percent of soldiers returning from Iraq suffer from some sort of emotional problems." The ones who initially deployed?  Strong and willing.  But as the tours wore on, how many stayed that way?  Certainly not everybody.
2.    Resources for stress management are inadequate, and there's often peer pressure not to make use or take advantage of them -- and then the broader question: what are we really offering to help soldiers heal?  Is there anything in the conventional medical world that's actually working? There's talk therapy and there's medication, and those who follow this topic in-depth know that there are problems with either or both of those approaches.  Anecdotally, of the three combat veterans whose lives I follow most closely, all three of whom had recently pronounced substantial healing  -- two of the three who relied on the most conventional approaches -- were re-hospitalized within the past month for psychiatric reasons, each within several weeks of pronouncing how much better they were doing, thanks to their course of treatment.  (The third combat veteran, who follows a less conventional path, is actually truly doing better -- or so it would currently seem.) When it comes to combat-based PTSD, the "cure," such as it is -- is a long way off -- particularly if we only look along conventional channels.
3.    Access to firearms is...ummm...not an issue: they're everywhere.  It's war, and we're armed to the teeth.  It's part of what we do.  But carrying a weapon in a stress clinic?  Doesn't seem on the face of it to be a wise safety choice;
4.    Workplace violence is a fact of civilian life, too: OSHA reports that homicide is the fourth leading cause of workplace fatalities. On an average workday, according to one site, "three people will be murdered on the job in the U.S."  Annually, "one million workers are assaulted, and more than 1,000 are murdered." Concerns are that half these cases go unreported, so the figures might even be doubled. Mondays, in fact -- today  when the Camp Liberty incident took place is a Monday, after all -- are a prime time for incidents to take place.  Something about people stewing about their real or imaginary mistreatment over the weekend, and coming back in and deciding to "do something about it."  Read the cases: Monday is often when disgruntled American workers, at the very least, choose to settle the score;
5.    Sleep deprivation is a chronic problem in the over-extended military.  As a technique for inducing symptoms along the spectrum from abject misery to forms of psychosis, it's effective enough that it's used (by the U.S.) as a form of torture, like waterboarding. Going without sleep, which the military chronically does, puts soldiers at risk on a regular basis.  Not that there are any easy answers to this, but that needs to be taken into account. Not sleeping is very dangerous to your health: and if to yours, by extension to those around you, too. Experts like veterans advocate Jonathan Shay, M.D., Ph.D. have long warned about the dangers of exhaustion and sleep-deprivation.  It's time to pay greater attention;
6.    Talking heads and pundits attempt to minimize the problem by saying, it's only the fifth case of soldiers killing one another since the war began but REALLY -- are they serious?!  How about adding the qualifier, "known" case -- as in, proven.  (Even the New York Times said, more accurately, "The killing of American troops by their fellow soldiers is infrequent, but not unheard of.") Think of the many cases of noncombat deaths in Iraq.  How many of these, because of insufficient, inadequate, or misguided investigations -- or cover-ups -- might turn out to be soldier upon soldier violence, if we but knew the facts? A percentage of the noncombat deaths are murders, not just accidents or suicide.
7.    Felony waivers. While many -- or most -- of the military may be fine and upstanding individuals -- better, in fact, than most of their less patriotric, more self-centered peers -- the reality is, as the war continues, an increasing few who have less savory backgrounds or mental states are being given waivers and allowed to join anyway -- then deployed with the rest of the troops, and put under the same types of strain, which perhaps they don't bear very well -- or as well as their peers;
8.    If recruiter suicides are up (and they are) -- recruiters being in a good position to know the true costs of going to war on the troops -- and suicide is effectively giving up on their being a solution to one's problems -- shouldn't  this ring some greater warning bell than it has, that perhaps we're asking people to do and to sacrifice, far beyond their actual ability to?
9.    We can't discount the fact that some people are just unbalanced -- and some of the ones who are, unavoidably, also serve in the military.  The last well-publicized statistic on the subject was that roughly 10% of the (overall) population suffers from mental illness. Some of these people are in the military, and under stresses and strains greater than most of us have ever endured, some will snap.  that in itself should not really...surprise us.  It's not a diss against the military: it's a fact of life. If anything their challenges are stronger than anyone else's.
10.  Interpersonal violence and suicide are both extreme versions of "lashing out" at what's perceived to be an unjust fate.  Domestic violence rates in the military ARE worthy of some "shock 'n awe" of their own.  During the same news cycle, where the Camp Liberty incident is being broadcast across all possible news outlets, other, equally horrendous incidents are also happening among servicemembers and veterans -- horrendous to the victims and their families, as well as to the families of those who commit the crimes. Here's an example of the same from today's news cycle, though it's all been pushed off the page by the greater prominence of the Baghdad story. The Colorado Springs Gazette reports that Thomas Woolly, 24, was arrested in the shooting death of a 19-year-old woman.  As the Gazette describes, "Woolly ... was a heavy machine gunner in the 4th Infantry Division's 2nd Battalion, 12th Infantry Regiment.  Members of the 500-soldier unit, nicknamed the Lethal Warriors, have been involved in stabbings, beatings, brawls, domestic violence, shootings, at least two attempted murders and four homicides in Colorado Springs. Another soldier who served with the unit in Iraq has been accused of murder in California. The unit has also been plagued by drug abuse and suicide..."

By bringing this up -- that this violence might be "shocking," but surely shouldn't be "surprising" -- it isn't intended to single out servicemembers or veterans as "bad" -- if anything, they're under abnormally large stressors.  It is to say, this stuff happens -- not always as well broadcast as when it happens in a group.  But it happens all the same. Forgetting even Iraq and Afghanistan for the moment -- across AMERICA -- do we honestly believe that fewer than five people -- including the servicemembers and veterans involved -- had their lives in actual, mortal danger from incidents like this? (In the Woolly incident above, for example, one woman was killed, but another one was injured, according to published reports.)

Again, if we were but able to "see" across the broad expanse of all the people this affects, and into all their homes and lives, even on one given day, I think we might be quite surprised to see the continuing emotional toll and strain that combat stress and its aftermath produces. Continuing to look at incidents like whatever happened at Camp Liberty today -- as the facts continue to come out, over time -- as "isolated" incidents, instead of a very visible part of the mostly in-visible spectrum of pain and suffering -- only allows us to stay in the dark on this topic a little longer than we should. 

For the health of servicemembers, veterans and their families, it's time to start admitting what a difficult problem we have: and one that takes more than lip service, and conventional modes of treatment, to "handle" and ultimately to "solve."

Students' Documentary on Veterans: "It's a Privilege to Hear Their Stories"

The Boston Globe has a GREAT front page story today called "Battling a Different Kind of War," by Peter Schworm. The subhead gives you a clue to the content: "military college students document the struggles veterans face when they return." The students in question are from Norwich University, in Northfield, Vermont, and the documentary, done entirely by students, talks to Iraq and Afghanistan veterans about their readjustment issues on returning home.  As such, it's both a truthful and a cautionary tale, for those on both sides of the camera.  Great job!

Let's hope the documentary soon will be available for viewing publicly, to further enhance all of our understanding of what combat veterans go through when they willingly go to war, and return -- hoping, but maybe not always able, to pick up their lives "right where they left off." Because the students involved are at a military college -- and some of them have already served their country -- they're probably a little more sensitive to some of the issues involved, and presenting a less-biased approach than those who are necessarily "for" or "against" military service.  From the sounds of the Globe article, everyone involved seemed pretty aware and respectful of the price that veterans pay to serve their country. (The quote in the title above was said by one of the filmmakers in the story...)

Editor's note: The Boston Globe article is linked here.

A Combat Veteran Asks Himself, Who Am I, on the Inside?

The combat veteran, one with decades of severe PTSD, asks himself that question, and the answer that comes back isn't pretty.  "What's your biggest problem right now?" he was asked, and then handed some implements with which to draw his answer.  Describe what you've drawn, he was asked.  "My biggest problem?" he said, "It's that I'm 'an exploding ball of hate'...on the inside." (Comment and drawing, used with permission.)

Now, on the one hand, this doesn't tend to give you a lot of hope.  Forty years out, still thinking about life this way.  Ugh.  That's intense.  And so, so very tragic.

On the other hand, the story has a "happier" ending -- or at least, progress report.  The same person who said that is doing much better now (and has the drawings to prove it.)

But I was reminded of this story again today when I read of the terrible story of Marcus Luttrell, the former Navy SEAL, awarded a Navy Cross for his heroism, whose entire team was wiped out in a horrendous firefight in Afghanistan, and who suffered greatly because of that experience.  (Luttrell is also the author of "Lone Survivor," about that experience.) This past week, his lovely yellow Labrador retriever therapy dog -- who he named DASY, after a combination of the initials of his SEAL team buddies who were killed and himself,  who, parenthetically, says he also died on that mountain, with his team that day -- was shot in cold blood outside his house, apparently in a pointless thrill-killing by some heartless local punks.

From articles about the incident in the Houston Chronicle and on MSNBC, which described the 40 mile high-speed chase an injured (he was recently hospitalized) Luttrell went on to capture the perpetrators, assisted by the police:

"I did everything right; I didn’t do anything wrong," (Luttrell) said. "Make sure everyone knows they cold-bloodily murdered."

In other words, he was heavily provoked. (It's remarkable the self-control he exercised, just helping to capture, but not kill, the jerks who shot and killed his beloved therapy dog.)

The saddest part for me, after reading and hearing about this story, were these poignant lines from Luttrell, after the incident, no doubt disillusioned, despondent, as well as totally triggered.  Reportage said that Luttrell "said he had left his Huntsville home and [like Vietnam veterans before him, who took themselves out into the woods rather than deal with society that was hard for them to navigate anymore] was in "the middle of nowhere," adding that Dasy's killing -- of course! -- was a "huge setback" in his life. (A huge and completely unfair setback, too...cruel beyond cruel, and so completely pointless.)

Here are the heartbreaking lines of Luttrell's, as he's trying to come to terms with what just happened, not that he had any fault in the matter:

"I was trying to talk myself out of being who I am," he told the Chronicle. "Talking to myself about not doing the one thing I am good at."

Those are the words that should stick with people on this, who care about the topic of healing combat trauma, that is.  War -- and even training for war -- breaks people down and builds them back up in the mode of the warrior, in which they have a new, and very authentic skill set -- but one which they won't find much use for in civilian life, or are basically constrained by society from using.  Nobody wants to talk about it much, but the ability to kill, and the confidence and esteem that gets created by being "good at what you do," even if it's very much relegated to the combat experience, is a very hard thing to shake afterwards.

I can come back later and supplement this with references, but read the literature, watch the interviews with people who have combat-based PTSD.  There's a very uncomfortable relationship with killing: it's a high that's hard to deny, but also hard to live with, about yourself (no pun intended).  And that dilemma is at the basis of the combat veteran's, above, remark about what his biggest problem is: being "an exploding ball of hate," on the inside. 

It's very hard to get a grip on that, particularly when killing has become a significant skill set, and very hard to unwind from.  In many cases, veterans covertly mention, mostly to one another, it's become an addiction of its own.  Perhaps just the feeling of being amped up and in command of the situation, not necessarily the killing part, but whatever: it's a way they say they felt truly alive for the moment, and hard to replace in civilian life, which operates according to completely different rules, and is often ridiculously boring and unfair, by comparison.

No judgment intended: far from it.  It's the reality of the situation.  And it's part of why, as much as the military concentrates on breaking someone down to become the perfect warrior, there needs to be an equal and opposite side of the coin -- how to help someone reintegrate, so they can keep their skills, but become a whole person again who, most importantly, can look at himself or herself with appreciation and respect, for every aspect of their personalities.

Editor's note: For a video of Marcus Luttrell being interviewed by Matt Lauer, several years ago, about his book and the incident fighting the Taliban that inspired it, click here.

(Also, the second drawing, above, is done by the same combat vet mentioned in the first illustration, but it's not the one that shows improvement. It's another from the same day, where he answers the question about drawing himself "as I am now" -- in other words, with two very distinct sides to himself, darkness and light.

Investigative Report on Desperate Troops with PTSD Who Go AWOL

Seattle's KOMO-4 television station broadcast an investigative report on the 11 o'clock news about local troops with active PTSD who chose to go AWOL because of concerns their PTSD was not being addressed.  For a link to the story, entitled "Shattered Soldiers Say There Was No Help When They Needed It," click here. It sounded better (as in, more interesting) than it actually was.  It's a brief segment, mentioning three soldiers, and focusing on one's case who may or may not have PTSD.  The other soldiers, whose stories are less dramatic, do seem to have PTSD.  Hmmmn. This might be a case of a story that could have been more effective as a national story than as a local one, in part because there could have been more individuals covered, across a broader spectrum of people.  Maybe that will happen.